I first watched Bend It Like Beckham in 3rd grade. I had lice for 3 months that year. It was pretty humiliating for me to find out. I was cast away from my classroom since my case was so bad. My 3rd grade teacher, Ms. Davies, threw away our classroom rug and pillows upon my return. So yea. 3rd grade was pretty fucking awkward.
3rd grade was also the year I had my first celebrity crush: David Beckham. My mom had caved and finally let me watch Bend It Like Beckham. I was obsessed with Beckham. But the funny thing is that the film itself is not even about Beckham but about the awesome lives of Jess (Parminder Nagra) and Juliette (Kiera Knightley).
I loved this movie for its amazing outfits; that gorgeous mix of tomboy swag full of adidas sweats, heather gray trackies, and easy actually COMFORTABLE walking shoes. Not to mention the Y2K swag of Jess’ more glitzy dressing sister Pinky.
I also loved the amazing soundtrack and of course the bitchin’ tiny little top that Knightley’s character wears to finally go clubbing with Jess and the other girls during their away game match.
Reader, please note that New York’s downtown darling Emily Dawn Long seems to share in my fixation for this movie and has since recreated this sporty party girl club staple for our summer woman’s sexy consumption. Modeled itself by none other than Ali Michael who seems as funny as she is beautiful.
This top, so shimmery and fun, really touched me. What also touched me in this film is its dedication to passing the Bechdel Test. Of course, some of the plot does revolve around the hunky Irish underdog coach Joe but for the most part I would say that the movie successfully shows us 2 complete female characters who engage deeply about another subject other than men. That subject you ask? Soccer.
Yes, soccer is the unspoken 3rd character in this rich film and to me this lights up my sporty hippocampus like a Christmas tree.
For this is a movie, woman directed might I add by the epic Gurinder Chadha, that wants women to win. At the game, at their friendships, at their love life and within their family dynamics.
I wanted to win when I was younger too. I played soccer for about 9 years from ages 6-15 and always loved the feeling of chasing a ball out of someone’s possession. I came from a family of 2 brothers who sandwiched me in the middle and wanted to win like they did.
My technical skills sucked. But boy did I make those girls laugh. I joked endlessly with my young teammates and loved coming to practice early to pillage the vending machine for blue gatorade and any cheesy sugary snack my mom wouldn’t let me eat at home. I loved my purple cleats and even the sweaty smell of my shinguards. I was so jealous of the girls with straight brown hair who would wear pre-wrap as headbands before warming up. When I did it it felt weird on my curls.
But the wins and triumphs are what I will always remember. The feeling of a nike sale section sport bra, shorts rolled up sweat beading down my brow my face eyeing the offense for their next attack.
We are not unlike Kiera Knightley, calmly fierce, eyeing our opponents and planning to attack while safeguarding our swag and looking so damn amazing.
Or like Jess, so steadfast and beautifully talented that she could smoke the guys competition even with her eyes closed, like she did with her neighbors dribbling past them and scoring like an absolute pro.
I still want to dribble past all the boys with my eyes closed. I still want to win. I want to feel apart of something. I want to chest bump my teammate who just scored a goal. I want to win.
At the beginning of another Allegra favorite epic soccer flick, She’s The Man, Viola (Amanda Bynes) expertly dribbles past her dumbass boyfriend all while looking fierce. He, the dud named Justin, tackles her to the sand and tells her she’s better than half the dudes on his team. He’s of course full of shit, and betrays Viola shortly after. But it does not really matter.
Because Viola wins big. She finds an unlikely friend turned lover in the sensitive jacked Duke (Channing Tatum) and aces her soccer skills all while wearing an uncomfortable toupee.
And while She’s the Man didn’t age as well as Bend It Like Beckham (the gender insensitivity, the sexism) we can still celebrate that a chick won. And that the following awesome things were also involved: bitchin’ miniskirts, amazing sporty vibes, Wrong the Right by the F-Ups, funny love triangles, kissing booth drama, summer carnival scenes and last but not least - women winning.
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Yea. Girls, I want us to win. I want to wear the pre-tape headband and laugh that my shinguards stink again. I wanna have some healthy competition that passes the Bechtel test. I wanna slide tackle in my Emily Dawn Long top.
I wish to do all of these things and more as I pass yet another (stupid) foursome of dudes playing Pickleball in their JP Morgan merch. I can’t stand it. Give me the court. Relinquish your dumb paddles.
Because I’m the captain now baby and we did not come to play. We came to win. And I’ve got New York’s sexiest women here with me right now in scrimmage pinnies ready to take this court over.
We can dribble, we can dunk, we can wear my recently sourced 80s adidas shorts, call me a ‘microtrend’ and I’ll heckle you until the referee throws me a yellow card because I don’t have time for that shit and I have the smelly old cleats to prove it so show some respect and move your spiritually broke, busted Hamptons bound, boring ass out of the fucking way because me and my women are here to win.
And we look damn good too.
aaaand looks like I’m due for a bend it like beckham rewatch
the shorts <3